As most everyone on the spiritual path understands, forgiveness can be a beautiful, liberating experience. When we are able to authentically let go of resentment it releases us from the bitterness we've been carrying, and allows for greater lightness.
However, I've noticed in myself and others that premature forgiveness can lead to systemic problems. We are told repeatedly that forgiveness is a "good" behavior and therefore want to reach that ability as soon as we can. And because of our desire to reach this state of mind quickly, we can sometimes cut our grieving process short.
While I believe in the power of forgiveness, I also believe in the importance of fully experiencing our grief. The psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross explained that the stages of grief involved denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance (which don't always occur in this order, or in a linear fashion). I believe that the periods of grief in which premature forgiveness are likely to occur are the "denial" or "bargaining" stages. If we are experiencing a great deal of anger towards someone, we'll most likely recognize that forgiveness is not congruent. Similarly, feeling deeply saddened related to another's actions is not a time during which we're likely to forgive. However, if we are denying that we were ever hurt, or are trying to make a bargain to make the discomfort go away, it is possible that we may tell someone that we forgive them, even though we haven't fully grieved the pain.
If forgiveness is always a good thing, how can premature forgiveness be a problem? When forgiveness is used to attempt to jump ahead to acceptance in an attempt to end our pain, or to simply "do the right thing" it leaves us with unresolved grief. Anger or sadness which is left unexpressed can be turned against ourselves in subtle ways. It is challenging to grieve in a world that often values "a polite performance" over authenticity, so to ignore the unpleasant emotions of anger and sadness might fool others, but it won't fool your body.
Telling someone (or yourself) that you've reached a place of forgiveness might initially feel pleasant because of the spiritual/cultural message that you've done something good, but in the days or weeks that follow you may find that you still harbor resentment or hurt feelings. You might then suppress any uncomfortable feelings and tell yourself, "But I've already forgiven that person...I should feel better now."
Whatever you believe you "should" do, you can not avoid the process of grief. Instead of the act of forgiveness come from your mind, let it come from the wisdom of your body as the result of fully grieving whatever has occurred. There is no need to rush your process. Once you've fully felt through all of your feelings, the forgiveness that you experience will be more enduring, and less likely to lead to suppression, unresolved grief, or avoidance of contact with the "prematurely forgiven" person who still triggers conflicted feelings.
Peace,
Chris
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However, I've noticed in myself and others that premature forgiveness can lead to systemic problems. We are told repeatedly that forgiveness is a "good" behavior and therefore want to reach that ability as soon as we can. And because of our desire to reach this state of mind quickly, we can sometimes cut our grieving process short.
While I believe in the power of forgiveness, I also believe in the importance of fully experiencing our grief. The psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross explained that the stages of grief involved denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance (which don't always occur in this order, or in a linear fashion). I believe that the periods of grief in which premature forgiveness are likely to occur are the "denial" or "bargaining" stages. If we are experiencing a great deal of anger towards someone, we'll most likely recognize that forgiveness is not congruent. Similarly, feeling deeply saddened related to another's actions is not a time during which we're likely to forgive. However, if we are denying that we were ever hurt, or are trying to make a bargain to make the discomfort go away, it is possible that we may tell someone that we forgive them, even though we haven't fully grieved the pain.
Telling someone (or yourself) that you've reached a place of forgiveness might initially feel pleasant because of the spiritual/cultural message that you've done something good, but in the days or weeks that follow you may find that you still harbor resentment or hurt feelings. You might then suppress any uncomfortable feelings and tell yourself, "But I've already forgiven that person...I should feel better now."
Whatever you believe you "should" do, you can not avoid the process of grief. Instead of the act of forgiveness come from your mind, let it come from the wisdom of your body as the result of fully grieving whatever has occurred. There is no need to rush your process. Once you've fully felt through all of your feelings, the forgiveness that you experience will be more enduring, and less likely to lead to suppression, unresolved grief, or avoidance of contact with the "prematurely forgiven" person who still triggers conflicted feelings.
Peace,
Chris
Get 5 Free Minutes ~ Live Psychic and Tarot Readings
Get 10 Minutes for $1.99 ~ Live Psychic and Tarot Readers
This blogger is supported by ethical reading sites which offer live online psychic readings, tarot readers and astrology.
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