Since my last post, which was exactly one month ago, I decided to pursue monogamy instead of polyfidelity. During the last 7 months, since my breakup, I realized that an interest in polyfidelity (which was a carry over from my last relationship and prior intrigue) may very well be a way to ensure that I would get the aloneness I needed to reconnect with myself more fully.
Within the last month or two, I've been feeling more healed and whole. I also found that my pursuit of polyfidelity was simply not being rewarded by the universe, so I started to question it and examine it more deeply.
I realized that when I thought about it, I felt conflicted about having more than one lover. I even thought of practical concerns regarding the discomfort of 3 people sleeping in one bed, as well as "Who would I call in an emergency?" if I had 2 partners? I started to realize there was a level of complexity in the dynamic that wasn't appealing.
I also realized that none of my past relationships were really that great, and that I couldn't blame monogamy for that fact. The problem was that I wasn't patient enough to manifest the kind of partner who would be truly compatible. Additionally, I wasn't aware of who I was to the point where I am now.
Another aspect that I've realized is that non-monogamy may feed into a form of self-denial which may stem from not feeling "good enough" for someone's focused love. If they always love someone else, that can contribute to suppressed ideas about my self-worth as a partner. Of course, the thought of loving that other person as well offset that fear in the conscious realm, but since I don't feel that any of my past relationships have been at the level of potential that I'm capable of, I think there was a shadow side to the idea of non-exclusive love.
When I recently decided to explore monogamy I was concerned that I might feel anxious or panicky in the ensuing days. However, that hasn't been the case. I'm actually looking forward to it. I was essentially monogamous during my last relationship which lasted 5 years, and it wasn't that difficult. I think that as I develop spiritually and my priorities change, sexual diversity isn't a big deal as it was when I was in my twenties. Now I'm really drawn to trust, contact, presence, a deep connection, and other feelings and values that are available in a committed relationship.
Another thing that I realized is that I really don't want my partner to be with another man, and that is why a MFF triad could be appealing, but not polyamory. I figure that although I may want to transcend all ego, I have to admit where I'm at. In the past 12 years or so since discovering polyamory I found that I only felt unattached to my partner being intimate with another man if I didn't love her. I've surrendered to the fact that I do have attachment to exclusivity, and I don't feel obliged to try to be in a space other than where I'm at.
I've also reflected recently upon the idea that sex (and therefore sexual diversity) is not that big of a deal now that I've come to accept that I don't want to have children, and that sex (although healing and connecting) isn't really a central part of a spiritual path. I believe it can enhance that path and I certainly prefer being sexual to being celibate, but I don't need to have sex with multiple people in order to be authentic. I just need to be honest with myself and my partner about where I'm at. In this moment, I believe that a committed sexual union with one partner could be a deeply fulfilling experience as long as it is someone with whom I feel an authentic, comfortable connection.
Lastly, I've reflected on how this whole experiment of exploring the concept of polyamory, and finding it ultimatley unrewarding, and unrewarded by the universe, has prepared me to be more effective in a monogamous relationship by not wondering "what I'm missing out on." I believe that had I not taken a poly path for awhile and tried to make that work, I would've wondered what lusty and satiating world I was missing out on. However, after exploring it, I can safely say...it's not all a utopian fantasy.
Peace,
Chris
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Within the last month or two, I've been feeling more healed and whole. I also found that my pursuit of polyfidelity was simply not being rewarded by the universe, so I started to question it and examine it more deeply.
I realized that when I thought about it, I felt conflicted about having more than one lover. I even thought of practical concerns regarding the discomfort of 3 people sleeping in one bed, as well as "Who would I call in an emergency?" if I had 2 partners? I started to realize there was a level of complexity in the dynamic that wasn't appealing.
I also realized that none of my past relationships were really that great, and that I couldn't blame monogamy for that fact. The problem was that I wasn't patient enough to manifest the kind of partner who would be truly compatible. Additionally, I wasn't aware of who I was to the point where I am now.
Another aspect that I've realized is that non-monogamy may feed into a form of self-denial which may stem from not feeling "good enough" for someone's focused love. If they always love someone else, that can contribute to suppressed ideas about my self-worth as a partner. Of course, the thought of loving that other person as well offset that fear in the conscious realm, but since I don't feel that any of my past relationships have been at the level of potential that I'm capable of, I think there was a shadow side to the idea of non-exclusive love.
When I recently decided to explore monogamy I was concerned that I might feel anxious or panicky in the ensuing days. However, that hasn't been the case. I'm actually looking forward to it. I was essentially monogamous during my last relationship which lasted 5 years, and it wasn't that difficult. I think that as I develop spiritually and my priorities change, sexual diversity isn't a big deal as it was when I was in my twenties. Now I'm really drawn to trust, contact, presence, a deep connection, and other feelings and values that are available in a committed relationship.
Another thing that I realized is that I really don't want my partner to be with another man, and that is why a MFF triad could be appealing, but not polyamory. I figure that although I may want to transcend all ego, I have to admit where I'm at. In the past 12 years or so since discovering polyamory I found that I only felt unattached to my partner being intimate with another man if I didn't love her. I've surrendered to the fact that I do have attachment to exclusivity, and I don't feel obliged to try to be in a space other than where I'm at.
I've also reflected recently upon the idea that sex (and therefore sexual diversity) is not that big of a deal now that I've come to accept that I don't want to have children, and that sex (although healing and connecting) isn't really a central part of a spiritual path. I believe it can enhance that path and I certainly prefer being sexual to being celibate, but I don't need to have sex with multiple people in order to be authentic. I just need to be honest with myself and my partner about where I'm at. In this moment, I believe that a committed sexual union with one partner could be a deeply fulfilling experience as long as it is someone with whom I feel an authentic, comfortable connection.
Lastly, I've reflected on how this whole experiment of exploring the concept of polyamory, and finding it ultimatley unrewarding, and unrewarded by the universe, has prepared me to be more effective in a monogamous relationship by not wondering "what I'm missing out on." I believe that had I not taken a poly path for awhile and tried to make that work, I would've wondered what lusty and satiating world I was missing out on. However, after exploring it, I can safely say...it's not all a utopian fantasy.
Peace,
Chris
Get 5 Free Minutes ~ Live Psychic and Tarot Readings
Get 10 Minutes for $1.99 ~ Live Psychic and Tarot Readers
This blogger is supported by ethical reading sites which offer live online psychic readings, tarot readers and astrology.
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