I find that sometimes, when I'm not content, my ego will try to get me to doubt my interest in polyfidelity. I'm fairly certain that being in a MFF triad would feel preferable to monogamy at this point in my life, not only for the flexibility, diversity, and "tribe" feeling...but as an opportunity to learn about myself. Nevertheless, my ego will take any opportunity to create doubt as when I'm in doubt I'm less about bringing spirit into this realm, and more about maintaining worship of the mind.
The ego is a subset of my mind, and I've been telling myself since last night that if I find myself thinking in ways that aren't helpful, I can just switch my focus to my breath, and practice not thinking while breathing. This is basically switching to a meditative state. It feels empowering, and something that I would like to practice more often.
Eckhart Tolle has talked about de-emphasizing thoughts and switching from identifying with the mind to seeing thinking as a tool that sometimes comes in handy. I love this idea (my spirit resonates with this truth) while I'm sure it stirs up my ego because it is the aspect of the mind that doesn't just want to think helpful thoughts but wants me to identify with it. In other words, I went through life thinking that I was the collection of my thoughts, and my body...and so to switch over to spirit identification creates disharmony in the system that has gotten me this far. In other words, switching from seeing myself as a bunch of thoughts in a body to seeing myself as my eternal essence is a rebirth that has pain associated with it in terms of letting go of the familiar.
The thing that always comes up in terms of polyfidelity is not whether or not I would enjoy such a system, but whether or not I can wait long enough to experience that kind of love. Fears comes up in terms of "going crazy" in my aloneness and therefore needing to "try monogamy" to stay grounded. Obviously, this is not a very good motivation for trying a system of love that I've already tried without success.
For awhile one of my "resistance thoughts" was about how focusing on finding a polyfi partner was limiting me from the potential love of all of the women who are straight and monogamous, therefore limiting myself from many potential love experiences. Last night I realized: yes, this is true...but it is also true that when those who prefer monogamy look for such a partner, they eliminate potential love with those who are polyamorous. So whatever we choose, there is always a form of limitation in play. The trick is to find a system that works for one's self and then focus on imagining it in form, while being content with whatever is unfolding in the journey towards that goal. When I've thought back on monogamous situations, I've always desired something else. And since most monogamous relationships have infidelity, I'm clearly not alone. To question the system of cheating dyads makes me a pioneer, and the trail is full of challenges when blazing a new route.
Of course, all I can do is focus upon finding a system that I think will work for me while concurrently understanding that it may change. I may awaken to different guidance and truly prefer a monogamous setting. I may decide to be monogamous with someone I know, or someone I meet. But at this time, it feels most congruent, in terms of "how am I fishing" to keep moving towards that which has felt most congruent for quite some time.
In my last relationship I enjoyed the idea that we were moving towards a MFF triad, an equilateral triangle. I was clearly guided to continue that pursuit after that relationship ended. My hurt and doubt can say that the triad dream must end with that relationship...but I know that there is no reason that to give up on my own vision just because I was with a liar who wasn't clear about what she wanted. I can't give up on what feels most appropriate for me just because I went through a disillusioning experience. And besides, I know that a triad with honest women would feel better than something scraped together with whomever happened to be available at the time.
So it comes back to being okay with my aloneness in the interim. My ego may say, "be celibate til you find the perfect situation" but if intimacy arises during the journey, all I have to ask myself is "does this feel congruent" and continue forward if it does. In other words, I may fear that exploring intimacy with someone not interested in a triad will curtail my goals. But all I have to do is make sure that my preference is known (if indeed it still is my preference) and make sure I don't have any hidden agendas that would be unfair to a partner. If something else is meant to be in the future, intimacy will not prevent it from manifesting. Anyone who would hold that against me would clearly not be a partner who is meant to be in my life.
My ego can also tell me that I don't offer enough to a potential partner. In reality, I feel that I offer a lot. When I look around at others in this world, I can feel pretty good about where I'm at in terms of being authentic. So why do I go into self-defeating thoughts? It seems that because I've eliminated negative mirroring in my life, the pattern can only continue on from within. It's like the Panopticon. Although there are no guards watching my behavior and making sure that I don't do anything wrong, I'm still feeling like a prisoner who is being judged.
In reality, I'm very free. I can do whatever I want. If I want to fly to Hawaii, I will. If I want to take a road trip to the ocean, I will. In reality, my focus is more about how to interact with my mind and my home in a way that brings harmony. But my ego will compare me to those who have "regular work" and feel a need to travel and do other things that bring greater lightness to their heavy lives. My life is far from heavy. Only my mind can be heavy, if it goes "unchecked." But I feel that I'm conscious enough to witness myself on a regular basis and not give too much credence to my thoughts that are self-defeating.
I'm thinking now about Marianne Williamson's quote from "A Return To Love":
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
This feels so important at this time. I suppressed myself because I was not valued by others who were incapable of true love. But dimming my light because I was unloved by those who did not know what love is, is completely unnecessary. Now if LOVE/THE UNIVERSE/GOD told me I did not deserve to shine...that's another story. But that isn't happening. I have to keep trusting in my right to shine, and not give my power away to those who do not understand what power is, or are too enwrapped in their own ego to possibly be able to understand how another deserves happiness and love.
Peace,
Chris
Get 5 Free Minutes ~ Live Psychic and Tarot Readings
Get 10 Minutes for $1.99 ~ Live Psychic and Tarot Readers
This blogger is supported by ethical reading sites which offer live online psychic readings, tarot readers and astrology.
The ego is a subset of my mind, and I've been telling myself since last night that if I find myself thinking in ways that aren't helpful, I can just switch my focus to my breath, and practice not thinking while breathing. This is basically switching to a meditative state. It feels empowering, and something that I would like to practice more often.
Eckhart Tolle has talked about de-emphasizing thoughts and switching from identifying with the mind to seeing thinking as a tool that sometimes comes in handy. I love this idea (my spirit resonates with this truth) while I'm sure it stirs up my ego because it is the aspect of the mind that doesn't just want to think helpful thoughts but wants me to identify with it. In other words, I went through life thinking that I was the collection of my thoughts, and my body...and so to switch over to spirit identification creates disharmony in the system that has gotten me this far. In other words, switching from seeing myself as a bunch of thoughts in a body to seeing myself as my eternal essence is a rebirth that has pain associated with it in terms of letting go of the familiar.
The thing that always comes up in terms of polyfidelity is not whether or not I would enjoy such a system, but whether or not I can wait long enough to experience that kind of love. Fears comes up in terms of "going crazy" in my aloneness and therefore needing to "try monogamy" to stay grounded. Obviously, this is not a very good motivation for trying a system of love that I've already tried without success.
For awhile one of my "resistance thoughts" was about how focusing on finding a polyfi partner was limiting me from the potential love of all of the women who are straight and monogamous, therefore limiting myself from many potential love experiences. Last night I realized: yes, this is true...but it is also true that when those who prefer monogamy look for such a partner, they eliminate potential love with those who are polyamorous. So whatever we choose, there is always a form of limitation in play. The trick is to find a system that works for one's self and then focus on imagining it in form, while being content with whatever is unfolding in the journey towards that goal. When I've thought back on monogamous situations, I've always desired something else. And since most monogamous relationships have infidelity, I'm clearly not alone. To question the system of cheating dyads makes me a pioneer, and the trail is full of challenges when blazing a new route.
Of course, all I can do is focus upon finding a system that I think will work for me while concurrently understanding that it may change. I may awaken to different guidance and truly prefer a monogamous setting. I may decide to be monogamous with someone I know, or someone I meet. But at this time, it feels most congruent, in terms of "how am I fishing" to keep moving towards that which has felt most congruent for quite some time.
In my last relationship I enjoyed the idea that we were moving towards a MFF triad, an equilateral triangle. I was clearly guided to continue that pursuit after that relationship ended. My hurt and doubt can say that the triad dream must end with that relationship...but I know that there is no reason that to give up on my own vision just because I was with a liar who wasn't clear about what she wanted. I can't give up on what feels most appropriate for me just because I went through a disillusioning experience. And besides, I know that a triad with honest women would feel better than something scraped together with whomever happened to be available at the time.
So it comes back to being okay with my aloneness in the interim. My ego may say, "be celibate til you find the perfect situation" but if intimacy arises during the journey, all I have to ask myself is "does this feel congruent" and continue forward if it does. In other words, I may fear that exploring intimacy with someone not interested in a triad will curtail my goals. But all I have to do is make sure that my preference is known (if indeed it still is my preference) and make sure I don't have any hidden agendas that would be unfair to a partner. If something else is meant to be in the future, intimacy will not prevent it from manifesting. Anyone who would hold that against me would clearly not be a partner who is meant to be in my life.
My ego can also tell me that I don't offer enough to a potential partner. In reality, I feel that I offer a lot. When I look around at others in this world, I can feel pretty good about where I'm at in terms of being authentic. So why do I go into self-defeating thoughts? It seems that because I've eliminated negative mirroring in my life, the pattern can only continue on from within. It's like the Panopticon. Although there are no guards watching my behavior and making sure that I don't do anything wrong, I'm still feeling like a prisoner who is being judged.
In reality, I'm very free. I can do whatever I want. If I want to fly to Hawaii, I will. If I want to take a road trip to the ocean, I will. In reality, my focus is more about how to interact with my mind and my home in a way that brings harmony. But my ego will compare me to those who have "regular work" and feel a need to travel and do other things that bring greater lightness to their heavy lives. My life is far from heavy. Only my mind can be heavy, if it goes "unchecked." But I feel that I'm conscious enough to witness myself on a regular basis and not give too much credence to my thoughts that are self-defeating.
I'm thinking now about Marianne Williamson's quote from "A Return To Love":
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
This feels so important at this time. I suppressed myself because I was not valued by others who were incapable of true love. But dimming my light because I was unloved by those who did not know what love is, is completely unnecessary. Now if LOVE/THE UNIVERSE/GOD told me I did not deserve to shine...that's another story. But that isn't happening. I have to keep trusting in my right to shine, and not give my power away to those who do not understand what power is, or are too enwrapped in their own ego to possibly be able to understand how another deserves happiness and love.
Peace,
Chris
Get 5 Free Minutes ~ Live Psychic and Tarot Readings
Get 10 Minutes for $1.99 ~ Live Psychic and Tarot Readers
This blogger is supported by ethical reading sites which offer live online psychic readings, tarot readers and astrology.
Posts
0 comments:
Post a Comment