Reflecting Upon "Helper Addiction"

There is a concept that is widely referred to as the "wounded healer" which I would like to explore in relation to myself. I reflected earlier today upon how helping another person produces a "high" in the brain similar to drugs, sex, and other behaviors that can become addictive.

Because helping another person is generally seen in a positive light, it can be a very clever way for the ego to maintain control. In other words, if you are addicted to helping others, you can go about your business, being the person people always call when they're down, and nobody will notice that you're an addict.

The ego loves you to stay addicted to something...anything...and it doesn't particularly care what your addiction is. As long as you do not have peace with yourself. As long as you are identified with doing instead of being, the ego is in control.

I have found that the universe helped me by taking away my opportunities to be helpful. The relationships in which I could serve as an ongoing helper crumbled, and I was left with myself. The obvious thing to do then was to learn how to help myself.

And out of that new focus, that new energy, I found that I had so much freedom. If I'm addicted to needing to help other people, then I need them to approve of me. If I need someone to approve of me, then they're the one who's running the show of my life. But if I can break the habit of "compulsive helping" (or "feeling alive" because I'm useful to another) then a whole new world opens up.

I realize that I'm a good person whether or not I'm helping someone. There are other ways to feel good, other ways to feel self-esteem. Ultimately, we all have to find peace with ourself, and the wounded healer is always at risk of losing peace by needing to be needed.

Opportunities to help another may arise naturally, and it is healthy to be of service if it feels congruent to do so. However, if we fall into the trap of needing to be seen as helpful, then we can unconsciously enable the dysfunction of others because if they ever feel good without us, we will be left without our "helping high." The universe can, as it did with me, take away opportunities to get high, like a heroin addict who loses his/her dealer, and then we are forced to detox, to withdraw from the chemicals in our brain that would elate us when we heard, "Thank you so much!"

What is left for the former helping addict is a recovery process. I realize that I can't treat people having problems as an exciting opportunity to prove that I have worth. I can simply see a person in distress as an opportunity to humbly be of service while remembering that whether or not they are helped by my action or non-action, it is not a reflection of my worth as a human being. True healing will occur when I know without a doubt that if I am at peace, that is enough.

Peace,
Chris

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God & i: Why do I have trouble admitting I was betrayed?

it seems as though part of my current lesson involves understanding that i have resistance to admitting when i was betrayed. when i don't admit betrayal, it makes it hard to accept the limitations of the relationship with the person/s who betrayed me. i'd like some clarification on this.

Where shall we begin?

when was the first time i betrayed someone?

In this life it was when you first cheated on your partner, the night of catching snow on your tongue, the night before seeing the play Cats.

but i had already been betrayed before that. so i wasn't the first to betray someone.

You think that you were betrayed, but you were actually just left for another. You have no evidence that you were cheated upon, per say. And you understand that it was for the best as she wanted marriage and you ultimately wouldn't have been happy with her.

it hurt when i was abandoned.

Yes, because you were highly attached to your first sexual relationship. You felt that it would and should last forever. This is common. This is why sexual relationships at a young age are so emotionally intense. Not many people at the age of 16 have a grounded sense of self. Therefore, the extreme pleasure of sexuality leads to a great deal of attachment.

did i have karma coming into this life related to being betrayed.

On a certain level, our slates are clean. You have tendencies, but you have no predestined behaviors. You can choose to betray, or not. You can choose to be with someone who you feel is likely to betray you, or not. Whatever you choose, you will learn something that will help you grow. Additionally, what you learn will help you help others more effectively due to increased empathy.

so why do i feel resistance to admitting when i was betrayed?

You understand that anything people do that is not from the heart came from fear, and is therefore not real. However, you have to see things clearly in all cases, which means admitting limitations even when it is painful. Part of what causes the pain is fear of change. When you were betrayed in the past, it meant big changes were necessary, and they were challenging. But they helped you to move in a direction that was best for you...a direction that you were not choosing on your own due to your codependence.

and so it appears again.

Yes, you can delude yourself into believing you're comfortable even when you don't feel good in your body. If you don't feel good in your body, something is wrong. If you don't change the path you're on, eventually it will (sometimes painfully) be changed for you.

and so resistance to admitting betrayal is resistance to change.

Yes, in large part. Additionally, you have to balance seeing that all people are good and worthy of forgiveness with the more yang perspective that if you do not set boundaries you will be used. You can't confuse pity with love. You can't confuse forgiveness with fulfillment. You have to admit that if you are not happy in a relationship, you can not find happiness through forcing the other person into greater consciousness. If the other person repeatedly does not show integrity at a level that you possess, it is best to let go and invite in a form of mirroring that matches your own. People change during relationships, and if one doesn't keep up with the other in terms of integrity or other aspects of positive attributes, you can't hold yourself back. You can't put on the brakes after passing someone or they'll slam into the back of your vehicle. You have to keep going forward, even if that means letting go.

i understand this better now. thank you.

You're welcome.

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God & i: Trying to have the same kind of day twice in a row.

i just wanted to throw out something i've been realizing and see what you have to say about it. it seems that if i have a paritcularly good day, i sometimes try to use the same "formula" the following day. i try to do the same things, in somewhat of a similar pattern. and it doesn't work very well.

In what way does it not work?

i don't feel as good as the day before when it was working for me. it seems that if i try to live like the film "groundhog day" it isn't rewarded. life is cyclical, but it seems that i have to customize each day.

Yes, it's like thinking. If you are exploring new thoughts, and headed in new directions, you will discover things and it'll feel good. But if you're ruminating, it'll lead to feeling stagnation and a dreary kind of dullness. Just because you're 42 doesn't mean that things are winding down or slowing down. Your life is always renewing itself. You're healthy, bright, and entering a new chapter of your life...so do so with optimism and integrity.

thank you. it seems that when it comes to how i move through my day it's more important to tune into what feels right in the moment instead of what worked yesterday.

Absolutely. You've created a flexible life for yourself. Everyone can choose what they want to do in every moment, but because of the flexibility of your life, there are more choices available at any given moment. Choose what you feel in your body is going to be the most rewarding. That could mean, as you just thought, that it would feel good to empty your dishwasher so that you'll have a sense of completion with that. It could mean writing a blog, playing a game, watching a show, or some other endeavor. It's not so important what you accomplish as it is to learn how to listen to your feelings/body and follow your inner guidance. There is no rush to complete anything. If you sail at the same speed as the wind, you'll feel in flow. Push it and you'll tip over. Resist and you'll feel stuck.

thank you. i think i got what i needed here.

You're welcome.

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